I feel, as my father shares private details about our lives with the press while promoting my personal hell Rock of Ages, that there are some rumors I need to dispel.

1. Tom: “When I had the eyeliner and the painted nails, [Suri] was a little taken aback by it. She was like, ‘What’s happening to my dad?’” This is true, but a gross understatement. I believe my exact words were, “Is this your mid-life transition time or are you just in a really bad movie?” And then I threw up a little.

2. Tom: “Suri came to visit me on the film set in Miami. The first time she saw Russell [Brand] striding over towards her she burst out crying – literally burst out crying on the spot. She was terrified of him. She isn’t used to being around people who are so tall.” Well, the height thing is hilariously true, but that’s not why I cried. The fact is — Russell Brand smells exactly the way you imagine he would. (Like a rancid onion, but way worse.)

3. I was Tom’s date to last night’s Friar’s Foundation dinner. This is true. I looked amazing.

So I just went through every page of this blog. I love it.